It must have been love, but it's ovvvvvverrrrrrrr nowwwwww!!

Today is Blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year.
I was actually feeling kind of shitty today UNTIL I HEARD THAT!
For some reason if I know I'm supposed to be feeling sad, and that other people are feeling sad, I feel happier.
That's pretty weird huh.
I guess other people's misery makes me joyful what can I say I'm psychotic!
Speaking of psychotic, I LOVE Black Swan so much. I think about it all the time.
When I first saw it I thought, Ok so I love ballet.
But then I was like, noooooo it's not really ballet I love.
So then I was like, well, I guess I love Natalie Portman.
But then I was like nooooo it's not her I love.
And now I realize what it is I love -
The CRAZY.
The amount of crazy in that movie is overwhelmingly excellent!
I thoroughly enjoy psycho-ness. It gets my gears goin'.
That's why I like American Psycho so badly too.
So yeah, go team insane!

In other news, I am enrolling in my IFC! The Investment Funds in Canada course! I get to have my Mutual Funds liscence!!!!
Look at how excited I am, demonstrated through my excessive use of exclamation marks!!!
TD is paying for it for me. It's 350 buck-a-roos too! I had better pass!

I've decided I NEED a job downtown ASAP! This is because I've come to the conclusion that I will have to live down there at least for a while (until I can afford a mortgage in the burbs) so I might as well get used to it.
Maybe I'll like the city and decide to stay there forever and make fun of my friends who live in suburbia and drive nice cars and have pretty back yards. We'll see.

I decorated my calendar very sparely for January to symbolize new year no clutter month. It's worked out well so far. I enjoy looking at January and seeing order and clarity.
January:
I needed to put ONE thing on it that sparkles though:

February is a different story of course:

Some highlights:


It's the month of love and my TWENTY FIFTH FUCKING BIRTHDAY HOLLLLYYYY SHIIIIIIIITTTT!! I'm going to be a quarter of a century old. That's fucking old. I don't want to go on a birthday rant right now. I'll save that for a post closer to dooms day. But here's a pretty picture of it:


Speaking of gay shit. Matt got SOOOooooOOo mad at me for putting glow in the dark sparkle stars on my Mac monitor. I did it anyways. Rebel.


I have started a "lookbook." It consists of pretty pictures I like in magazines that I messily cut out and glue in a scrapbook. Details to follow.

I'm dunzo!

Happy Blue Monday! FROWN!!

Quote of the Day:
"So pink so pretty"
-Nina Sayers (Black Swan)

because you are the best laaaawyyyyerrrr in tooowwwwnnnn

tomorrow i will be done forever

and im feeling VERY nostalgic

all i want to do is take pictures of everything at york 

mainly the things that mattered to me

so basically i want to take pictures of every bathroom at york 

that i hid in instead of being social

or going to class

or doing anything 

i realized a few days ago when i was there that i know where all the bathroom at york are

and not because i have poor bladder control

so maybe that's what i'll do

that is EXACTLY what i'll do

i'm going to take pictures of every bathroom i've ever lingered in a little too long to be considered normal to avoid having to make eye contact or walk through a crowd or *gasp* actually attempt conversation in a setting that isn't a classroom

im going to take pictures of them all and make a scrap book titled: 

"york university: the best years of my life!"

but secretly it will be all about social anxiety 

and how a desire to constantly impress everyone 

at all times 

makes it worse

as does copious amounts of coffee

and i'm going to decorate it with stickers

i've actually wanted to make a scrap book for a long time 

but i can never think of anything worth documenting on paper in my life

because facebook is faster 

project!!

i'm listening to the weezer tribute album

it makes me think of highschool

and why i never hid in the bathroom there

?

and that makes me concerned for when i am older

will i hide in more bathrooms, more of the time?

cause that's the direction i appear to be headed

i love how i talk about my stupidity as if it is something thats happening to me and entirely out of my control

and not something i could choose to change

i was thinking about partying it up hxc after the last exam tomorrow

and getting super drunk and maybe puking out my anxiety all over the backseat of my car

but then i remember i kind of HATE drinking 

and can be an idiot / dance like one, without alcohol

in fact, alcohol doesn't really affect my horrid dancing skills that much

except maybe makes me think im a marginally better one 

i wish i had more to say but ive been locked in my room for the past two weeks because i feel too guilty going out instead of staying home learning about how Freud thinks that guilt is the reason we can't ever be truly happy and kids want to fuck their mothers

thats another thing ive wanted to complain about for a while but keep forgetting to 

take a second to process that last sentence. i have to remind myself of things that i need to complain about.

i have to learn primarily about old men who lived a long long fucking time ago 

and what they think about the world

at least this year anyways because i decided to take a lot of philosophy classes for some reason even though i almost flunked out of school when my major was philosophy

who am i kidding i almost flunked out when my major was business too

i've had three different majors in five years 

point: 

all these old dead men had a affinity for fucking little boys

and no one would listen to pedophiles thoughts today 

and so i feel kind of angry that i have to hear what these guys think now

because all i can think about is the kids they butt fucked

on that happy note:

picture(s) of the day:

this is the gnome my mom saw in the garbage put out for the garbage men of a random person living on my street, and at 7 in the morning on her way to work decided to ring the doorbell of to ask if she could please take the gnome. they let her. it now lives in my backyard waiting for the opportune time to kill me. most likely while i sleep.

The Rainbow. this picture does it no justice whatsoever. it was a complete rainbow and i couldn't fit it all in my camera view. so i took a video of it. on my computer i have a video of a rainbow. the most amazing rainbow i have ever seen.

SSA Dr. Spencer Reid. boy genius of the behavioral analysis unit at the FBI.  also the love of my life apart from matthew. 

Quote of the day: 

Always be yourself .... unless you suck.

-Joss Whedon

all of those things that i thought were so easy just got harder and harder each day

so apparently i am fearful and full of anxiety

i think i might have had an inkling that that was the case

but it was totally confirmed for me on friday

AT WORK 

awesome

the only things anyone at work has to say to me now:

"just breathe hun"

"how ya feelin' babe?'

"you're way too young to be having panic attacks sweetie"

i feel like saying i know how to fucking breathe

but then i remember that i don't  

remember that time in first year university where i pissed my pants?

and i told everyone it was because i had a bladder infection

well i didn't

and it was a panic attack 

so yeah

that's my anxiety ridden story

university is done in one week exactly

i am SO GLAD

university (for me at least) was a lot like watching the penguin movie

what was it called

march of the penguins

it's like watching that

where it's a beautiful intelligent movie

but all it ever does is make you fucking sad and feel useless to help

so i watched march of the penguins for five years

i went to the zoo with matt and all the animals showed me their ass all day long when i attempted to take pictures of them

picture of the day:

the only pretty one i could get

quote of the day:

"i became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity"

-edgar allan poe