All I could do is put a seashell to your ear.

So I got the job. I am now a customer service representative at TD bank.

YAY.

I don't start until the 3rd week of February.

The process of getting employment at a bank is ridiculously long and tedious, but (hopefully) worth it.

I now have to buy some adult clothing, such as dress pants and skirts. I have googled "how to dress for work" quite a bit in the last little while. I read an article in the new york times today that said pantsuits were the ugliest thing a woman could wear and were unfeminine. I disagree and want to punch the writer of the article (who was a women, fyi).

Women are so mean to each other. Every single woman I know hates on other women at least once a day ( I am not an exception to this observation).

It's sad.

On a more positive note, my school might go on strike.

Side note: Obviously the above statement was meant to be sarcastic, as it is not a positive thing (for me, at least) for my school to go on strike. Which leads me to something one of my professors said today in class. She is an extremely intelligent lady who I really respect and like to learn from, and I feel like she's an adult who I can aspire to be like. Anyways, today she said that she hates sarcasm and never uses it because it is negative and always puts someone or something down in it's process. Now as many people know, I LOVE to be sarcastic. I love it when other people are sarcastic (for the most part and only if done right). But she made me seriously question my desire to use sarcasm. Is it negative? Does it bring on negative consequences and lead to other bad things? I'm going to think about this, read some stuff about what other people think about sarcasm and get back to you (you being myself on my blog LOLz).

(I'm really into brackets tonight)

What was my point?

My school!

I went to York last year and in my last year at university, they went on strike for I think like 2 months. During this time I was very productive. I watched every single episode of 4 seasons of criminal minds at least twice, and learned the entire choreography to Beyonce's single ladies (would not recommend this - very difficult/exhausting and end result will be completely ridiculous if you're not Beyonce).

And now I go to college (because there's not much one can do with a bachelors degree in sociology) for one year, and in that one year there will most likely be a strike.

point: strikes suck.

Today my teacher told us she would give us her personal email and if we had questions about the material during the strike we could ask her. Then some guy yelled SCAB really loudly and everyone laughed and I could tell she was so embarrassed she wanted to cry and I wanted to cry with her because I felt so bad for her to have to teach fucking assholes like us when she has such an obvious burning desire to genuinely help students learn.

I like teachers like her.

But she is a scab.

I am turning 24 in 4 days. I feel lots of things about this, none that I can articulate or feel like sharing.

But I will share that I feel like 24 is going to be a great year for me.

I don't know what to do for my birthday.

This is the worst entry I've ever written.

I blame lack of sarcasm and over-use of real feelings.

Quote of the Day:

I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse.

I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

- J.D Salinger

Picture of the Day:

Kelli tagged me in this on facebook recently. It was taken at the biodome in Montreal.

End note:

I love M. Ward.

because you are the best laaaawyyyyerrrr in tooowwwwnnnn

tomorrow i will be done forever

and im feeling VERY nostalgic

all i want to do is take pictures of everything at york 

mainly the things that mattered to me

so basically i want to take pictures of every bathroom at york 

that i hid in instead of being social

or going to class

or doing anything 

i realized a few days ago when i was there that i know where all the bathroom at york are

and not because i have poor bladder control

so maybe that's what i'll do

that is EXACTLY what i'll do

i'm going to take pictures of every bathroom i've ever lingered in a little too long to be considered normal to avoid having to make eye contact or walk through a crowd or *gasp* actually attempt conversation in a setting that isn't a classroom

im going to take pictures of them all and make a scrap book titled: 

"york university: the best years of my life!"

but secretly it will be all about social anxiety 

and how a desire to constantly impress everyone 

at all times 

makes it worse

as does copious amounts of coffee

and i'm going to decorate it with stickers

i've actually wanted to make a scrap book for a long time 

but i can never think of anything worth documenting on paper in my life

because facebook is faster 

project!!

i'm listening to the weezer tribute album

it makes me think of highschool

and why i never hid in the bathroom there

?

and that makes me concerned for when i am older

will i hide in more bathrooms, more of the time?

cause that's the direction i appear to be headed

i love how i talk about my stupidity as if it is something thats happening to me and entirely out of my control

and not something i could choose to change

i was thinking about partying it up hxc after the last exam tomorrow

and getting super drunk and maybe puking out my anxiety all over the backseat of my car

but then i remember i kind of HATE drinking 

and can be an idiot / dance like one, without alcohol

in fact, alcohol doesn't really affect my horrid dancing skills that much

except maybe makes me think im a marginally better one 

i wish i had more to say but ive been locked in my room for the past two weeks because i feel too guilty going out instead of staying home learning about how Freud thinks that guilt is the reason we can't ever be truly happy and kids want to fuck their mothers

thats another thing ive wanted to complain about for a while but keep forgetting to 

take a second to process that last sentence. i have to remind myself of things that i need to complain about.

i have to learn primarily about old men who lived a long long fucking time ago 

and what they think about the world

at least this year anyways because i decided to take a lot of philosophy classes for some reason even though i almost flunked out of school when my major was philosophy

who am i kidding i almost flunked out when my major was business too

i've had three different majors in five years 

point: 

all these old dead men had a affinity for fucking little boys

and no one would listen to pedophiles thoughts today 

and so i feel kind of angry that i have to hear what these guys think now

because all i can think about is the kids they butt fucked

on that happy note:

picture(s) of the day:

this is the gnome my mom saw in the garbage put out for the garbage men of a random person living on my street, and at 7 in the morning on her way to work decided to ring the doorbell of to ask if she could please take the gnome. they let her. it now lives in my backyard waiting for the opportune time to kill me. most likely while i sleep.

The Rainbow. this picture does it no justice whatsoever. it was a complete rainbow and i couldn't fit it all in my camera view. so i took a video of it. on my computer i have a video of a rainbow. the most amazing rainbow i have ever seen.

SSA Dr. Spencer Reid. boy genius of the behavioral analysis unit at the FBI.  also the love of my life apart from matthew. 

Quote of the day: 

Always be yourself .... unless you suck.

-Joss Whedon

all of those things that i thought were so easy just got harder and harder each day

so apparently i am fearful and full of anxiety

i think i might have had an inkling that that was the case

but it was totally confirmed for me on friday

AT WORK 

awesome

the only things anyone at work has to say to me now:

"just breathe hun"

"how ya feelin' babe?'

"you're way too young to be having panic attacks sweetie"

i feel like saying i know how to fucking breathe

but then i remember that i don't  

remember that time in first year university where i pissed my pants?

and i told everyone it was because i had a bladder infection

well i didn't

and it was a panic attack 

so yeah

that's my anxiety ridden story

university is done in one week exactly

i am SO GLAD

university (for me at least) was a lot like watching the penguin movie

what was it called

march of the penguins

it's like watching that

where it's a beautiful intelligent movie

but all it ever does is make you fucking sad and feel useless to help

so i watched march of the penguins for five years

i went to the zoo with matt and all the animals showed me their ass all day long when i attempted to take pictures of them

picture of the day:

the only pretty one i could get

quote of the day:

"i became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity"

-edgar allan poe

i fell into yesterday

so i finished my brutal essay

and because it pretty much consumed my life for a few days

i did something really beyond stalker

i facebook googled (searched for someone on facebook) my T.A.!

and i found his public profile

creepy to the max i know

but i found it VERY amusing

you know you assume your t.a's have lives outside of the classroom?

well mine does, it just revolves around old philosophers

he had pictures of Hegel in his albums

i find this very very funny

so i showed my friends in my class

they laughed a lot

but i know they secretly think i'm insane

and i can't really blame them

i decided to download a bunch of old AFI songs

i don't know what's with me wanting to all of a sudden be 15 again

i think its like, when you do something thats really really shitty

and then after a long time it seems like you kind of forget the bad parts

(i think forgetting bad things is a natural defense our minds have)

and then all you remember is that maybe it was cool

and sometimes it seems like, super cool

i think that's what is happening here

like, i think i liked being 15 because my brain has actually erased everything almost (because it was almost all bad) and just left me with good things

it took my brain 8 years to do this, so really, it must have been pretty bad

but all i want is to be 15 again

and so all i can do is listen to music i liked when i was 15

all the lyrics make so much more SENSE now

now that im not trying to manipulate them into meaning some crazy shit about not eating and maybe cutting

i wish i could be 15 again knowing what i know now

being a 23 year old in a 15 year olds life

god damn i cant even imagine how i'll feel when im 30

kelli, i know you want to be 15 again too, any theories why we liked that age so much?

what am i going to do this summer.

quote of the day (new addition to blog):

"we cross our bridges when we come to them

and burn them behind us

with nothing to show for our progress

except a memory of the smell of smoke

and a presumption that once our eyes watered."

-tom stoppard

picture of the day:

-piece 4 in 'food i like that is junk food' series: 'Secret Weapon' -

come on come on listen to the money talk

every morning i wake up to ACDC - Money Talks

the only reason is that it is the first song on my ipod

and my ipod alarm clock automatically defaults to the first song if i dont set it

which i never do

i dont even know why i have it on my ipod

i dont like it

but now that i have to hear it every morning to wake up

i have actually started to like it a little

more than a little actually

i crave it now

and find myself needing to put it on while i am doing things

like driving, or homework

and so i have determined

that all i have to do to like something a lot

to really kinda love it

is repeat it many, many times

in a semi-conscious state

so from now on

i'm going to do shit i hate

more often

take some quaaludes

and hope for the best

In other news, people came in to my work today wearing masks and gloves. MULTIPLE PEOPLE. Please never come near me wearing a mask, i will automatically assume your breath will kill me and probably never be able to stand within 5 feet of you ever again.

the WHO hasn't raised their level from 5 to 6 yet today, so i suppose i should do my essay since we're not all going to die just yet.

i will never feel a bigger sense of relief than when i am finished my last university exam on may 30th. i seriously think it might be the closest i'll ever get to nirvana.

picture of the day:

this is part of a series titled: food i like that is junk food. This one is called "Death trap mints" because i once choked and almost died on a junior mint, backing out of a parking lot.